Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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