i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
