Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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