dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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