She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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