Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
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just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
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when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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