Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
