just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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