People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
