I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
