nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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