Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
