why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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