My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
