i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize