he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
