So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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