Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
