What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
