how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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