Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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