remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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