My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
