Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
