I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
