just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He uses pillows to masturbate.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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