i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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