Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
