...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
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will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
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You made out with two different species that night
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao