If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
