I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
