She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
