If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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