Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
