last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
