"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
