Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i love accidental penises.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
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