the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
me + whiskey = a bad person
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
