They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
