i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
