Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
