How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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