if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
