if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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