Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
