Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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