he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Randomize
