R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The beers last night were like the tears from god
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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