if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
