I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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