He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
