Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
