Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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