The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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