his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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