He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
