Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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